After having a near-nuclear meltdown in January, I have become fed-up with pussy-footing around my issues. So after completing an outpatient program I spoke with my therapist about being more direct with each other and calling me out when I was trying to skirt an issue or deflect. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I find myself being questioned about my outlook and having my thought process challenged. It's wonderful to end a session and feel like some really hard work has been done. And once again the thought of "why didn't I know to do this before" plagues me.
The truth is, if I had done this before it would have been futile. I wouldn't have listened; I would have spent a lot of time resenting my therapist and resenting the whole process. I needed to come to this conclusion for myself and ask for help. It's a hard conclusion to come to, but once it happens a whole world opens up.
The realization that all the crap I have gone through is neither good nor bad is a hard one. It's true. Nothing is really good or bad, per se, it just is. IT IS WHAT IT IS. How I used to cringe when I heard that phrase. Now I take it at face value. And the only reason I can do that sincerely is because I have gone through a lot and have taken the time to get lost in all steps of the process: grieving, anger, despair, denial, blaming myself, blaming the world, and giving up. Truthfully, the process of healing from any traumatic life event (be it "little-t" or "big-T" trauma) is a very selfish one. It is one thing to be selfish, it is another to realize you're being selfish. I think the first step of deciding to heal (and it is a decision-based process) is realizing you are being a selfish bitch. Step two is saying "and that's ok. It is what it is."
What happens from here? I'm not sure, but I'll be sure to keep writing about it.