Thoughts After a Suicide Attempt

Talking so frankly does not come easy to me.  I often reveal bits and pieces of who I am and what I have gone through, but for the next few moments I will share what it is like to come back from a suicide attempt.  For those of you thinking about it, this is a warning and a plea for you to seek help instead of throwing your life away.  For those of you dealing with someone who attempted, or is at risk for attempting, suicide this is a  suggestion on how to handle your own feelings.

The beginning of February marked two months that I had been out of work.  Out of work, depressed, in physical pain.... so many compounding issues that I still don't know where one begins and another ends.  It started out just wanting the pain to go away.  A few Tylenol  then a few more.  Then some other pain relievers.  I became desperate to be out of the hell I felt I was in.  Soon I found myself taking more meds than necessary and well on my way to the pain being extinguished. Forever.

My wife, being the helpful woman she is, helped me get to my therapy appointment, where I admitted, in a drugged up stupor, to taking too many pain meds.  My therapist called in my wife and I was taken to the hospital.  Several things happened in the next few hours: I managed to fake the ER staff into thinking I was having just side pain, I managed to write an auto-send suicide note via email to my therapist, I asked to be taken to a local Acute Mental Health Services facility. From there I would go back to an ER for medical clearance, go inpatient for two weeks, start an outpatient program, go back inpatient, and generally live in chaos for a month.  

Somehow, through all the chaos, I managed to get a second interview for a residential counselor position at a program for teenage girls with mental health problems.  I began to see through all the fog and once again had to piece my life back together.  I was offered the residential counselor position and suddenly I found myself on the other side of the badge.  The side where I was the one wearing the badge.  Still, I was dealing with all that had happened: I was sad at what I had done and scared at what could have been.  Most of all, I felt guilty over hurting those who cared.  The one person I hadn't planned on hurting was my therapist.  I mean, she's a therapist, right? Wrong.

Here's my disclaimer for those from the old school  patient-therapist relationship camp:  My therapist and I have known each other for ten years.  She has coached me through a move cross-country, a near-death suicide attempt, several hospitalizations, and my coming-of-age realization that I am not too fucked up to be a therapist myself.  She has served as my mentor and guide, my very own Shaman of sorts.  So if a new-agey therapeutic relationship offends you, you may wish to stop reading here.  If you are curious about how your feelings can help the ones you love, continue on.

So I go back to private therapy during my orientation, as I cannot attend the outpatient program I was doing and my job orientation at the same time.  I go back hoping to blow over the events of past and then run screaming.  As per normal, my therapist chooses the direct approach in discussing what happened.  She received the suicide note email and while it was well written, she was devastated to receive it.  I heard her explain how horrible it would have been to actually receive that after I had died and how even more devastating it would have been.  My heart broke.  Never did I think I would have that much impact on my therapist.  I knew I was naive to think everyone was better without me, but until I saw the pain in the face of my therapist, I didn't understand just how severe my actions were.  

We talked and I was honest about the things I've learned about myself in the past two months.  I owned up to wanting someone to save me and wanting an easy way out.  I still don't know how to truly own up to the hurt I caused her and the others who care for me.  Hearing my therapist tell me she cares about me put my own life into harsh perspective: I take my life for granted thinking I don't deserve the help I get.  Meanwhile, that is unfair to those giving the help.  I needed to hear some point-blank reality from her in order to really understand just how much I have to live for and how much I'm loved.

So for those of you thinking of suicide: STOP thinking and start calling. Call the Lifeline Number (1-800-273-TALK (8255)), call your therapist, call a friend.  Get yourself to a local ER, mental health services, or other place where you can get help or be brought to help. YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!!

For those of you trying to help: be honest.  Be transparent and tell your loved one how you feel.  Don't be accusing ("you would make me want to die if you died"), instead be honest ("I would be horribly devastated if you killed yourself"). Honesty is the best way to approach any situation and this is no different.  If you're scared, tell them.  If you're sad, tell them.  We don't know how you feel  until you say it. Sometimes words mean so much more than you can ever realize.

How Important is the Therapeutic Environment?

Therapy has come a long way from it's couch-lying Freudian beginnings. Therapists and clients have evolved in their relationships; now therapists (in some communities) are praised for their ability to properly self-disclose rather than being shunned for not maintaining an air of mystery. Personally, it has taken some time for me to evolve my thinking on patient-client interactions in regard to emails, phone calls, and text messages.  In no way does this mean I'm going to make homemade pasta, buy good wine, and show up at my therapist's home à la Kay Scarpetta, but I have learned to use electronic communications to my benefit. Though I'm learning to change with the times, I do believe some aspects of a patient-client relationship should not change, the most important of all being the therapeutic environment.

My therapist's office has been my safe space for over nine years now.  I've learned to cry there, to laugh, to love, to enjoy, and to let go.  I've always enjoyed the waiting room as much as (if not more than) the actual therapy room. Soft instrumental melodies waft from a  very 90's CD player, coffee and hot tea are readily available, and all of the staff are friendly and great to chat with.  I've shared hair-dying tips, crocheting secrets, and favorite cellphone games with various therapists and staffers who have passed by while I was waiting for my appointment. The environment is so inviting that I've made it a ritual to arrive at least ten minutes early to prep for my therapy session.

While I try not to be ultra-critical, I have been known to have a few opinions. So it should be no surprise that when I entered my therapist's waiting room and for the first time heard music with lyrics, I had a few questions.  I let those rattle around my brain for a while, thinking it to be a  fluke of some sort.  After about a month of the same type of music greeting me, I decided it was a blessing I had one of the last appointments at this particular office and took it upon myself to change the radio over to CD. Actually, the first time hearing a triggering song (I believe it was the song "Jumper") was what made me brave enough to change the stereo's settings.  It wasn't a big offense in my mind, but it was a curious change.

I held my tongue up until the time I first heard Christmas music upon entering the door.  It wasn't yet Thanksgiving and the carols were already going.  The local radio station the stereo was tuned in to had taken it upon itself to be the first station around to sound the "joys" of the season.  Although I observe Christmas, I am not Christian and understand that not everyone celebrates Christmas.  It's also a rough time of the year for me, as it is many others, and I have to go through my own personal rituals before I can really enjoy the season.  Learning that the music choice had little to do with thoughtfulness, I found nothing wrong with continuing my tradition of hitting the "CD" button on the stereo.

I found that my therapy group wasn't the only one attempting to incorporate holidays into their decor. Friends I have made online from various parts of the globe were saying the same things I was about what had happened to our previously safe spaces.  A couple of friends said the decor went straight from the front door, through the waiting room, and into the therapist's office.  I joked that I was lucky that I only had depressing carols to contend with, but the next session proved me wrong; decorations had spurt up all over the office.  Thankfully, I never had to deal with a problematic therapy room, but the decorations definitely depressed me.

I worried about the clients that came only for holiday-related issues and those who may be triggered by holiday decor for whatever reason.  I began to wonder if the decorating would ever end, as the decorations continued to spread in a naive attempt at incorporating all religions.  It's just not possible- the minute you include one religion you are probably offending another religion.  And if you don't represent a religion correctly you've offended many without even meaning to.  My arrive-early ritual turned into a sprint-last-minute pattern.

I began to wonder what the "official" stance on all of this is.  I found out if you Google the words "therapy office" and "holiday decor" you get little to no results.  Some articles about the importance of neutrality and thoughtfulness needed in decorating an office and then some research studies on quality perceptions of therapists based on office decor. It seems that either this is a non-issue for most or an issue that the internet has yet to shed light on.  Much like online therapy, which went without internet articles for quite a while, holiday decor seems to be an issue too taboo to cover.

For me, it's not a deal-breaker, but it has caused some shock.  One of the few things I could count on was my therapist's office and waiting room being a neutral place where the expectations of the outside world couldn't hurt me.  While everyone walking down the street "expected" me to be happy and joyous during the winter holidays, I could count on having a place to seek refuge.  Now, I have to make my own place of refuge, which perhaps is forcing me to grow emotionally.  While that's great- I love making progress- I still don't want to have to deal with dangling hearts and love songs for Valentine's Day.  I may just have to take the month of February off.

Elections Hurt, Civil Rights Can Help

As we get closer and closer to Election Day, I see more and more people fighting over things that, in the end, are silly.  Unemployment rates, taxes, abortion laws... What most are over-looking is the fact that bills go through Congress to become law.  They do not have to be signed by the president to become a law.  Congress can override a presidential veto so long as 2/3 majority vote yes to the bill.  All of this is what keeps the president from being a dictator.  There are ways in which the president can influence and lobby for a bill, but ultimately Congress decides.  Many of the things brought up in the debates will be forgotten as soon as the election is over.  Some will come up once or twice, fail, and then be forgotten.  So why focus on the president, when our Congress members hold the power?

Many people do not even know what congressional district they belong to.  This is the first step in changing laws- find out what district you're in!  Then find out who is the current Congress person for that district.  Familiarize yourself with what they've done, what they want to do, and who else is running for Congress.  Make an educated vote, not one based on the party you affiliate with.  Sometimes Republicans can be very liberal and sometimes Democrats can be very conservative.  Do the same for your House representative  Once you've made an informed decision, find out how to contact both so that you can help them focus on the issues important to you.

Congress power aside, it saddens me to see how after the election others tend to forget what they were so incensed about prior to the election.  If you want to change how this country is run, you can't just complain during an election then give up.  One thing I do know: even if my candidate doesn't win I will continue to lobby for the causes I believe in.  I refuse to give up hope on the issues that are important to me.  Yes, I do fear all the good work being done to bring an end to the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), but that doesn't mean I will give up if Romney is elected.  I'll work harder to fight for my civil rights.

So as the countdown to the election winds down, remember that YES, this election is important, but NO it's not the end of the world.