Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I'm tired. Not physically (well, ok, pretty tired physically too), but mentally. I'm tired of sifting through all the new realizations and all the new terminology just to keep relabeling myself. Ever feel like one minute you are content and the next you are freaking out over everything? Yeah, that's me.

I spend a lot of time wading through the murky waters of my mind in an attempt to clean house and organize. Finally I have realized that no matter how many "shelves" I build or "boxes" I fill-up, it will all still equate to ME. Nicely stored or strewn about, my "ish" is my "ish". This is the stuff I have toted around since childhood, added to when I saw an issue shiny enough to look enticing, and keep with me at all times. It's not going away just by naming, sorting, and re-organizing.

I see that "owning up" was the first step. I had to stand up and say "yeah, this is my luggage. I tote it around everywhere. So what?" Then, I had to come off the defensive, stop making excuses, and start REALLY owning up to it all. What does that mean? No more blaming (even myself!), no more "tomorrows," and no more "if (____) just happened, I would be fine"s.

That last part is where I want to be. I want to be able to keep owning up to my short comings and stop making excuses. Just because I have Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, along with a long host of other "issues," does not mean I get to skip out on life. I still need a job, an apartment, friends, and responsibility. I am not so severely disabled that I need community or state housing.

So what's my point? It's OKAY to be tired, but it's not okay to stop fighting. Giving up responsibilities and giving into to all the labels just leads to a self-destructive cycle. Taking a minute to stop and think "what do I really need" is sometimes all I need to stop my campaign of self deprecation. Unfortunately, I often notice what I need and how I am going about getting it are not conducive to getting the results I want.

As always, this all boils down to communication. TELLING rather than SHOWING what you need works better. Apparently, not everyone is a mind reader. You may think by whining about a sore throat you are saying "comfort me" but really you may be giving out the signal "I'm overly needy and going to take up all your time and energy." So instead of some cuddling and chicken soup from your mate, you end up coughing alone in bed while she plays XBox.

Stop for a moment today and think about what you really need in that moment. Then see if you are on the right path to getting it. Perhaps you are working harder at it than you need to be.

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