"One of the
anomalies of wounded human nature is that we do not accept the very answer we
seek when it is given because we have become so accustomed to pain and confusion"
[i]
In the midst of self-loathing, doubt, and frustration over
the many "whys" in life, I was sent pages of a book that contained
the quote above. For a moment my world stopped and I was quiet because someone,
somewhere had felt the same way I did and took the time to acknowledge this
feeling of comfortable discomfort. Tears filled my eyes as I realized that all
the frustration I was experiencing was human and normal.
Lately I have found myself repeatedly thinking about the
role self compassion and forgiveness plays in basic living. Time and again I
find others talking about how important both compassion and forgiveness are,
but as parts of specific circumstances and not an everyday practice. Post car
crash I've spent a lot of time arguing with myself over whether I should be
allowed to ask for help with my anxiety/emotional response. On one hand, I've
had anxiety all my life and the accident was my fault. On the other hand, it
was a traumatic event and were it anyone else I would tell them that it's
natural to be anxious and to need support. Suddenly I find myself once again
arguing over whether it's "okay" to be self-compassionate.
Unfortunately, blaming myself and ignoring the emotional
need for healing comes easily to me. I can remind myself that it was an
accident, that these things happen, and that it is okay to go on living,
showing myself compassion for the lost car, missed work days, and the physical
healing I have to do. When it comes to the emotional side, I forget all about self-care
and accept anxiety and fear as natural consequences that I deserve. I use the
excuse of "deserving" to feel horrible as a way to stay stuck in the
pain and suffering that I have grown accustomed to.
For the first day back at work, I accepted the panicked
feelings and chest pain as "necessary" and "normal." I'm
told, however, that coming into work and feeling as if I'm having a heart
attack is not a normal thing. I pushed through, never even acknowledging that
it was hard for me. By day two I was becoming weary of the constant state of
anxiety. I knew I couldn't go on like that, but I still couldn't fathom asking
for help. Today will be day three back at work and I'm not sure what to expect,
but since I haven't yet changed my approach, I don't think much of my reaction
will change.
I know I will feel like the world is ending for those few seconds
I pass the turn off to the road I crashed on. I can't imagine actually turning
down that road and driving past that red light. Driving into work I will
probably freak at the slightest hint of a possible collision, as I have been
doing for days. I may get teary-eyed at the most random times and find myself
unable to handle the stress of managing five teenage girls at the same time. I will
manage to come in, act "as if," run the shift without incident and
then go home. On the way home I will probably make up for not eating most of
the day by stopping for fast food- something that up until last weekend I had
managed to stay away from in order to live a healthier life. All of this is unable to change until I decide
to change it.
I know the answer I seek is trusting in my support network
and healing rituals. I know I'm capable of the prayer, conversation, and
allowance to feel that is necessary to start healing. I even know that I can
trust in that network because lately I've been attempting to use it. It's embarrassing
to admit, but the truth is that up until recently I didn't really have one. I
had a therapist, wife, and family that I could sometimes go to. I had a friend
here and there, but I didn't really trust in the fact that they would accept me
in times of need. Now I have friends, co-workers, and professionals I can trust
to guide, help, accept, and witness my time of need. Accepting this as an
answer means accepting that maybe I don't have to suffer in order to live.
As someone who has gone through developmental and complex
trauma, living a life without suffering is inconceivable. As a mental health
worker who fully believes in the potential of all people to live life to their
fullest potential, continuing to live with suffering is inconceivable. It is
the profound conundrum that is my life. One thing I know for sure is that I have the power to change my suffering
into splendor.
In order to start on that path to change I have to find the
compassion within me to let go and move on from the things I "should have"
done. I will start by attempting to be kind to myself and acknowledge that
right now some things are hard for me and that's OK. Just saying the phrase
"this is hard" and breathing in and out is a positive change. I will
attempt to take it one moment at a time and recommit to self-care and
compassion anytime I notice myself judging or criticizing.
While this may sound simple to some, it really isn't.
Acknowledging my flaws and being mindful of them is something that is extremely
hard to do. Being mindful in quiet meditation is hard enough, but living
mindfulness is even more challenging. Distractions will come and that will be
okay because the point of mindfulness is to bring yourself back to the moment. And
if the moment isn't suffering that's STILL mindfulness. It's not about being
mindful of just your suffering and what you want to change, but being mindful
of your whole being. I will set the intention to be compassionate towards
myself today and I will make an effort to stay mindful of how I treat myself
throughout the day.
Healing isn't about major breakthroughs and accomplishments,
it's about living each day a little better than the last.
[i] Groeschel, B. J. (1984). Spiritual passages: the psychology of spiritual development
"for those who seek". New York:
Crossroad.
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