For years I have used Eye Movement Desensitizationand Reprocessing (EMDR) as a major weapon in my battle against complex trauma.
My therapist, a well-rounded social worker who understands the importance of a
client-centered approach, was trained in EMDR nearly six years ago and I was
fortunate enough to be offered this treatment right after her training. In the
years to come we have both learned a lot from the processing I have done.
Before I get into the meat of it, let me take a
minute to define some basic EMDR terms. Bilateral stimulation: outside
stimulation that causes both sides of the brain to engage, which may include:
following a finger or light source back and forth with your eyes, hearing
binaural tones through headphones, plastic eggs that are held in the hands and
alternate pulsations, and alternating left and right tapping on the upper arms,
hands, or knees. Processing: use of bilateral stimulation with the goal of
changing a target (image/memory) from a negative experience with a negative belief
(i.e.- memory of abuse with the belief "I am a horrible person") to a
neutral/less horrible experience with a neutral or positive belief (i.e.-
memory of abuse now with the belief "It wasn't my fault").
Resourcing: use of shorter sets of bilateral stimulation with the goal of
installing positive attributes via memory or image, positive emotions, and
positive belief (i.e. the memory of being held as a child, feeling calm/safe,
and the belief "I am safe and cared for"). Tapping in: tapping
oneself on the arms, legs, knees, alternating left and right. Normally only a
short series (3-6 sets) of taps to reinforce a resource. Keeping it short is key so that you don't end up processing. Personally, I recommend practicing tapping in to yourself with your clinician so that you get the feel for how short the taps should be and you learn your body's response to this technique.
One of the things my therapist and I found out right
away is that I am very sensitive to processing and need some resourcing after
processing in order to ensure that I am back to a better mindset after
processing. Even when I felt good after processing, I found that without
resourcing I would go home and experience dreams and flashbacks days after the
session. Another thing I found is that sometimes just resourcing was enough to
get me through the trauma responses I was having. A lot of my needs surrounded
feeling uncertain, vulnerable, and unsafe; something most trauma survivors can
relate to. With resourcing I was able to reinforce the confidence and
competence I had already in me. At any given time I was able to think of the
images I resourced and feel better, often tapping in the feeling to deepen the
connection.
Lately I have started in on a trauma that has
literally haunted me for years. Nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks
plagued me on and off along with feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and
hopelessness. My recent increase in
these trauma symptoms has not surprised me as I know some of the deep emotional
and spiritual work I have been doing in and out of therapy the last year has
lead me to a place where I am ready to begin to work through this trauma. When
I began the prep work with my therapist we both knew that this was not going to
be like any other trauma I have processed. This trauma in itself was complex,
held many core issues for me, and was going to take time to work through. As we
talked about what I needed and what ground work needed to be done, it became
obvious that I was going to need some new resources.
Ever the diligent client, I went and reached out to
others who have experienced similar issues. Most reported that they needed a
lot of varied resources in order to feel confident enough to start their
processing, but I knew just adding traditional resources was not going to be
enough. I went back and reread Dr. Jamie Marich's book EMDR Made Simple, after having a long discussion with Jamie about
my situation. In addition to helping me map out a plan for processing secondary
gains prior to trauma processing (which I will share in another post), Jamie
also lead me to the idea of what I like to call alternative resourcing.
I use the term "alternative" not because I
think of this as a new-agey, out-there type of resourcing, but because it
provides a viable alternative to what many EMDR practitioners consider the holy
grail of resources: the Safe Space. Not to say that the safe space isn't a
valid option, it just is not the only
option. Having a place, either real or imagined, that you can bring up in your
mind that feels safe is GREAT. However, what if safety isn't what you really
need? What if you need confidence, a feeling of happiness, joy, or competence? There
are more traditional resourcing strategies for these emotions; you can use
imagery or memories that create these feelings and resource those. Alternative
resourcing goes a little further- it uses more than just images to access the
emotional state you want to build a stronger connection to.
The basic idea behind alternative resourcing is to
use other senses to either enhance a resourced image or in place of an image. Before
I delve too far in, let me first explain that the approach my
therapist and I use for resourcing is slightly different than
"traditional" methods. Instead of setting up the image, where I feel
it in my body, the emotions behind it and then attempting to hold it all
together, my therapist just lets me talk. I describe the image, often closing
my eyes, talking about how it made me feel and my therapist alternately taps on
my left and right knees at intervals she sees as pertinent based on my affect.
She may ask questions to clarify or encourage me to go deeper, but overall I
lead the resourcing, which seems to add a lot of meaning and makes it easier
for me to connect my memories/images with my emotions. This confirms a feeling I have had for a long
time- the protocols set forth by Dr. Shapiro and EMDRIA are wonderful, but a
good therapist who knows her client will be able to tweak EMDR in order to meet
the client where they are at and to obtain the maximum benefit.
The first thing my therapist and I attempted to
alternatively resource was a lotion that I use to help me sleep and that
carries happy memories. I alternated between taking deep breaths and describing
the feelings that came with the scent. Before the bilateral stimulation I was
already feeling deeply calm and relaxed. Adding the tapping lead me to a much
deeper place where suddenly I was able to leave the nagging fears and thoughts
behind and just enjoy the scent and my experience. After several series of
taps, I was able to smell the lotion and bring up the feeling without trying. I
could already feel the power behind this alternative resource. Since the first
time resourcing this, I have started every resource session re-tapping in the
lotion scent and the calm it brings. It helps me relax and fully engage with any
other resourcing I may be doing.
The second thing I resourced was a small, furry
kitty-shaped tape measure. It's an orange tabby, resembling my cat, Bodhi, who
has been with me for the past 7 years. As I closed my eyes and focused on
rubbing/petting the mini-Bodhi I felt compelled to talk about getting my cat
and the joy he brings me. I talked about how he always seems to know when I'm
upset and how petting him brings me a feeling of peace, calm, and safety. As I
talked, I petted the kitty tape measure, and my therapist did the alternate
knee tapping. Again, I found myself transported into a deep sense of security
and calm, much stronger than any image I had resourced previously.
With both the lotion and mini-Bodhi, I found that I
was combining sensation, emotion, memory/image, and body reactions without
having to be prompted. They were natural combinations and I think that is what
made the resourcing so successful. In the days to come I found that I was able
to transfer the calm/serene/safe feelings from the targets (lotion/mini-Bodhi)
to a broader range of items. I get an immediate sense of deep calm when
smelling anything similar to the lotion I initially used (though the closer to
the scent, the deeper the connection it seems). Also, when I pet the real
Bodhi, I find myself right back to the happy and calm place I was in on my
therapist's couch. I continue to tap in every time I activate these alternative
resources and the results have been amazing.
The after-effects of nightmares no longer plague me
as I am now able to use resources that not only comfort but help me to stay
grounded and in the moment. Panic attacks and emotional flashbacks are easier
to navigate and the daily living issues I have had are dulled now that I have
these defenses in place.
I still use other images I have resourced in addition
to the lotion and mini-Bodhi, sometimes I combine them in order to relax even
further. This has been a major blessing, as current events in my life have
prevented me from being able to process trauma, but the resourcing I'm doing is
helping me to maintain and live without letting PTSD symptoms control my
life. It is amazing to me what happens
when clinicians are willing to allow their clients to mold therapeutic
modalities to fit what they need.